So do I worry about my happiness 
Or my friend’s happiness? 
It’s so sad to see him this way. 
It’s karma. I just know it. 
I completely deserve what you did on Friday. 
I’m sorry. 

I don’t want to be

too close to you. I don’t want to get myself into that mess all over again. Just let me do all the work. You can sit back and continue what you’re doing. I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll get attached. Scared that I might be attracted to you. Just go away. 

Happiness vs. unhappiness

It makes me happy when my local gas station owner knows me whenever I fill up gas. 

It makes me happy when I make new but random friends at the supermarket. 

I’m happy when I can talk about personal feelings to my co-workers at work. 

I’m happy with the people I have in my life right now. 

I’m content with the money I earn at work. 

I love that I currently love myself and my body. 

I’m happy that I got accepted to a college that I want to go to continue my education. 

I’m troubled by the fact that I know my parents will not be happy even though I got accepted to somewhere where I would like to study. 

I’m not happy by the fact that friends are creeping away out of my life. 

I’m not happy about my brother’s attitudes and actions toward everything. 

I’m not content with my lifestyle. 

My parents are not happy with me being this skinny. 

But my parents doesn’t want me to be fat as before. 

What now? 

Happiness versus unhappiness. 

College hunting

Ever since junior year of high school, UGA has always been my dream school after I graduate from high school. I wasn’t the kid who aimed to go to Harvard or Yale, or any of those Ivy League schools. I was content with my grades, and therefore I should go to a school that I am content with.

And as I transition myself into senior year and things changed. People who I called them friends weren’t exactly my friends. I wasn’t as strong-willed as I was before in junior year. And then comes the money problem. Then here I’m thinking, will UGA really be a good school for me? Should I apply to UGA even though I have such low test scores and only rely on my strong GPA? I checked their list of majors. They did not have the major I want to go to, very broad to be precise. Should I still apply? But it’s a known school ….. I checked GSU and my major was found. 

My friend applied to UGA. She got around 1700-1800 on her SAT. She got deferred. If I applied, then I will immediately get denied. 

Then comes the yellings and screamings from my parents. Pretty sure everyone knows what is coming out of my parents’ mouth. 

I applied to Gerogia State. Not that it’s not top-notch. Let’s say it’s like between Nutella and Wal-mart brand peanut butter. 

And you know what, I got accepted to Georgia State. I called my best friend at midnight and told him the news. I was tearing up. 

Even though GSU is between Nutella and Walmart brand peanut butter, I was happy. I’m not happy because they accepted me. I was happy because it will knock up so much opportunities. I feel that my major at UGA was a lot more broad and GSU was more specific. 

Don’t go for the top-notch when it doesn’t even help out with your major. Adjust your college and your lifestyle with your major. Not adjust your major with your college. Let’s just say, I cannot be a good violin player if I go to Harvard or Yale.  

Advice

Most people ask me advice on countless of things. From friendship problems to deciding which piece of clothing someone want to buy, I’m there for ya. And to be honest, I like giving advice. Advice that I personally experienced that is. Say if someone is having trouble in time management on homework, I know I wouldn’t be able to give advice on that because I personally have the same exact problem myself. But when it comes to friends and other experienced topics, I can talk hours and hours.

And when I give advice, I expect my friends to take consideration in it. Like at least think about it. I spend hours trying to give this one friend advice and she does the exact opposite of it a few days later. And now, her past with that particular someone is basically ruined.

At times, she comes texting/calling me and asks me what I should do about x, y, and z. Whenever she listens to my advice, it goes in one ear and out the other. She never exactly decipher what she needs to do. Whenever she comes to me for advice, I try to tell her what she needs to hear rather than what she wants to hear. That’s called ranting/venting rather than asking for advice, which is two different things. Hearing your own voice and vent your problems rather than explaining the situation and listen to what the other person has to say.
After a few times when she listens to my advice and does the opposite and comes to me again, (no offense) I just kind of slack off on my part. Why?

Because I don’t want to sit here and spend hours giving her (or anyone’s) advice and she never takes it to heart. That’s just going to be a waste of both of our time. So next time when you ask a particular someone for advice, actually listen.

There are just some people that’re rude as fuck and you know that sooner or later, they’re going get their ass run over. And I’ll be enjoying every second of it. 

ARE YOU KIDDING? I bet if I was her, you would not respond, OH. JUST WAIT FOR A REPLY. Nigga, I ain’t not dog. Wait for your reply? Wait for your decision? I’m sure ain’t hell WAIT FOR YOU. Who do you think you are? Just wait for a reply. I’m so sorry, MAJESTY. I need to wait for your reply. 

Or you can totally ignore my message. Which is totally a-okay. 

I hate you and I hate how you make me feel like the shittiest person ever.

You know you did a good job when I don’t need you anymore. 

Breathe.

You got this Carrie. You’ll be able to make it out. 

And the incident years ago still slaps me in the face. 

how many times were you really there for me when i need it? 

even if i do seem okay with it and doesn’t care about it. 

Stress on stress

Today was probably the most stressful day for me. And possibly the unluckiest day … Coming back home and can’t watch Supernatural while munching on my fries is probably the last thing on my mind. Along with that, my video card for my computer is somehow broken. Today is, well, not my day. Having to type an essay on the iPad is quite miserable. But what can I say? One month computer-less…. I better start praying I don’t throw this iPad against the wall or something. New laptop in one month, here I come.

But you know what I like the most about today? The productiveness. I’m so used to having the same “schedule” everyday: come home, watch youtube videos, take a nap, dinner, do homework. This same schedule bored me to death but I was too lazy to try to change it. But the productiveness kept me busy and you know what? I like being busy. Being hectic and nervous about my government test and my current event. Trying to find apps that accommodate with my daily life like I do with my computer. I like being stuffed with work. Yeah, makes me breakout a lot around my cheek area D: ACT testing, I have a good feeling about it. But I know that I might not even do well on it . Sigh.

But the worst part about today was the fact that no one was actually with me when I need to vent about this situation. There’s a fine line between “I’m here for you.” and listening to you vent. It just a bit sad. But then I’m glad in a way cause I know I only have myself when it comes to difficult times. People probably think that, “Oh it’s just a computer. You’ll live.” Gurl, not when Supernatural is at stake as well as my college application that I was planning to do this weekend. It’s just that so many things planned out but turns out a complete disaster and it kind of trips me over a little.

But hey you know what? Think I’m getting Minnetonka moccasins tomorrow. YES BBY YES.